Very Random poem written 26-04-2010

_

I stare at the ceiling
Lying in my bed
Afraid of the Voices
Shouting in my head.

Afraid of the silence
Playing videos all night
Alone in the darkness
Afraid of the light.

I listen to lectures
Ignoring whats said
To drown in that noise
The voices in my head.

I talk constantly
I have much to hide
Echoing loudly
the emptiness inside.

I use my words
To hide from my friends
Its standard practice
For one who pretends.

I know what to do
but I don't even try
Leaving my soul
To suffocate and die.

I make no effort
I dabble and pretend
Paralyzed and waiting
For this nightmare to end.

The day is not far
when Ill resort to lies
Extinguishing finally
The spark in my eyes.

I listen all night
I talk all day
I speak the most
when I've nothing to say.

-Yours Truly

Books I've recently bought and cant wait to read ! :-)

1. Ever Since Darwin by Stephen Jay Gould
2. The View From Serendip by Arthur C. Clarke
3. The Last Spaceship from Earth by John Boyd
4. The Pollinators of Eden by John Boyd
5. Report on Planet Three by Arthur C. Clarke
6. Beyond This Horizon by Robert Heinlein
   
7. The Essence of Chaos by Edward Lorenz
8. Astounding Days by Arthur C. Clarke
9. The Trouble with Physics by Lee Smolin
10. The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins (again ?)
    

As you can see, that's all sci-fi and science. I keep thinking I have read all of Clarke worth reading and then I pop into a second hand bookstore and am pleasantly surprised by some book of his I had not seen before, it happens all the time. John Boyd I havent read yet, but he looks promising. This Lorenz is the original Lorenz (of the Lorenz attractor) so it should be interesting to read his take on chaos now that Ive had the chance to study the math behind it somewhat. Lee Smolin happens to be my current research supervisor, and that paper is due in soon, so I probably ought to be working ! :-)

A very old War

Khandava Forest was an ancient forest mentioned in the epic Mahabharata. It lay to the west of Yamuna river, in modern day Delhi territory. Pandavas cleared this forest to construct their capital city called Indraprastha. This forest was earlier inhabited by Naga tribes. Arjuna and Vasudeva Krishna cleared this forest by setting up a fire. The inhabitants of this forest were displaced. This was the root cause of the enimity of the Naga Takshaka towards the Kuru kings who ruled from Indraprastha and Hastinapura.

. . . . . . . . .

Emperor Janamejaya ascended to the throne of Hastinapura upon the death of his father Parikshit. According to legend, Parikshit, the lone descendant of the House of Pandu, had died of snakebite. He had been cursed by a sage to die so, the curse having been consummated by the serpent-chieftain Takshak.

Janamejaya bore a deep grudge against the serpents for this act, and thus decided to wipe them out altogether. He attempted this by performing a great Sarpa satra - a sacrifice that would destroy all living serpents.

At that time, a learned sage named Astika, a boy in age, came and interfered. His mother Manasa was a Naga and father was a Brahmin. Janamejaya had to listen to the words of the learned Astika and set Takshaka free. He also stopped the massacre of the Nagas and ended all the enemity with them (1,56). From then onwards the Nagas and Kurus lived in peace.

from Wikipedia.

Well, as Dantewada has shown us again, they are living in peace no longer.

Notice how the locals (who were presumably referred to as serpents, or perhaps the words for serpent and the local tribes just happened to be the same) are now referred to as serpents literally. Dehumanised in the stories we tell our children, so we can collectively forget that thousands of years ago the 'aryan' invaders cleared the forests and displaced the locals and formed the Vedic Civilization that most modern Indians are descended from.

The story of the burning of the Khandva forest by Krishna and Arjuna - in the Mahabharata - tells us how they set the forest on fire and killed every living thing in it. An exaggeration obviously, but perhaps it captures the brutality of the violence that was perpetrated. The capital of modern India stands where the Khandva forest used to be. Where Takshaka's people were massacred.

I like the irony.

Throughout history, the forest people have not been a part of our civilization. It exists only where we burnt their forests down. Gazni and Ghori and Timur never looted them, the British never really ruled them and the Indian state was conceived and implemented without their participation. And on paper their lands suddenly belonged to the powers that be - in the city Arjuna cleared land to create.

Oh yes, I like the irony.

It is not a law and order problem, it is not merely an insurgency, it is very much a clash of civilisations. To solve it, we must address the problem of somehow including the Adivasi stories and dreams in a composite vision for the future of the land that constitutes the Republic of India. We need to assure them - and change ourselves to make our assertions a reality - that our civilisation is not antagonistic to theirs. The maoists will wither and die if the Adivasis are with us.

Or, bring them to the table through force followed by a place within the Indian Democratic setup. However we go about it, we must first internalize the fact that they are a civilisation seperate from ours which needs to somehow be brought round a point where we can share a nation without risk of future conflict. One way or another.

It is my view that the only way to make sensible policy decisions is to face the truth, and there is much to be said for the paradigm of the clash of civilisations. Looked at from this perspective, it is easy to see why and how events started spiralling out of control once we wanted the lands they lived on. If it was obvious to us that Iraq was about Oil, it should be equally obvious to us that Dandakaranya is about Land. It always has been. For several thousand years.

There are no heroes and villains in this, no great virtuous proletariat fighting for some serene Utopia. There are interests. Do we really care if some large companies make even more money ? Or is it more important to us that the discord and violence that has plagued our country for millennia is finally resolved ? Do we want the freedom to roam through our forests welcomed by our fellow countrymen or are we content to let economics take its course and exacerbate the violence ? what is in our best interest ? Perhaps the market is not the best mechanism to handle this. Perhaps we need a more creative, more innovative approach. Perhaps we need to declare our forests sacrosanct since people depend on them for their livelihoods. Perhaps we need to work out some concept of collective land ownership for tribes that have lived there for hundreds of years. Perhaps we need to do the fair and right thing by the tribals we have forgotten and ignored throughout history, and THEN crush the maoists.

If we cannot be sensitive and innovative, we must at least be decisive and firm. To dither mouthing platitudes is plain cowardice and spinelessness. Are we the "virtuous" ? then lets act like it. Lets do the magnanimous and fair thing. If we are not, lets do the pragmatic thing that has worked for countless empires before us, and subjugate the "enemies" who stand in our way and challenge our state. Its been done before, even by us (excellent article by Shekhar Gupta), countless times.

People who believe their own propaganda seldom solve real problems. We must face the truth about our history, all aspects of it. Every invader and immigrant brings with him new tensions and conflicts. India is a multilayered closely packed collection of such conflicts accumulated over millennia - from the ancient Aryans to the more recent Muslims and British. To pretend that everything has always been hunky dory - while the stories handed down from generation to generation in every language tell of strife and conflict - does not help bridge the divides and disaffections and mistrust that plague our country.

Problems don't go away simply because we try hard to forget them and the harsh bracing truth is always better than the palliative lie and those who forget the past, are condemned to repeat it.

Untitled

I'm a river creeping to the sea,
I'm a lemming rushing to its fate,
Let me be please let me be,
Its too late, its too late.

With empty words I amuse,
Profound in my decadent state,
I neither accept nor refuse,
Its too late, its too late.

With quiet and indifferent eyes,
I stare blankly at the date,
Silent, watching as time flies,
Its too late, its too late.

The truth makes way for lies,
As the floods of sanity abate,
Songs subside, give way to sighs,
Its too late, please, Its too late.

I feel no love,
I feel no hate,
I feel nothing,
Its too late.

- Yours Truly

Test Batsmen ?

Look at the records below and assuming all of these players play in the same domestic tournament, on similar pitches against similar teams, please select 3 middle order test batsmen.
The numbers are Matches, innings, not outs, runs, highest, average.
j : First-class 51 86 3 3648 203 44.38
i : First-class 89 141 17 5348 209 43.12
h : First-class 31 44 4 1917 259 47.92
g : First-class 46 74 11 3603 302* 57.19
f : First-class 36 52 4 2641 309* 55.02
e : First-class 36 60 6 3437 265* 63.64
d : First-class 25 36 6 1673 197 55.76
c : First-class 83 120 14 6189 250 58.38
b : First-class 34 55 2 2891 243 54.54
a : First-class 15 24 1 1149 194 49.95














it is obvious that the selection should be c, followed by g and e.

now the key :

a : Manish Pandey : 15 24 1 1149 194 49.95 : give him a few more seasons. he has some way to go.
b : M. Vijay : 34 55 2 2891 243 54.54 : among the better ones, has his chance now. Has to make the most of it.
c : S. Badrinath : 83 120 14 6189 250 58.38 : has his chance now, and should have had it a few years ago. Should be able to make himself a regular.
d : Virat Kohli : 25 36 6 1673 197 55.76 : A decent first class record, as good as M. Vijays. but young....he will have his chance.
e : Ajinkya Rahane : 36 60 6 3437 265* 63.64 : amazing record, 2 splendid seasons, he must get a crack at the test scene before the future Indian middle order is decided, surely. also a youngster...he will have his chance.
f : Rohit Sharma : 36 52 4 2641 309* 55.02 : another good record, he seems to be on the verge of getting his break in the test team.
g : Chheteshwar Pujara : 46 74 11 3603 302* 57.19 : another young man with a superb record. He too much get a crack before the future of the Indian batting order is settled.
h : Abhishek Nayar : 31 44 4 1917 259 47.92 : Probably not test material.
i : Yuvraj Singh : 89 141 17 5348 209 43.12 : definitely not test material, but he has played 33 and is a first choice bat in the middle order.
j : Suresh Raina : 51 86 3 3648 203 44.38 : In the running only because he was Greg Chappel's protege. He has his first test call-up for the second test between India and SA. His first class record is sub-par.

oh the vagaries of selection :)

Whats Important ?

1. Health
2. Human Contact
3. Fun
4. Constraints

baaki,

ever since I was a little kid, Ive wanted to build a model aircraft (one that actually flies under its own power) and I still do, more than ever.
and not just from a kit....I want to come up with my own designs. how hard can it be :-)

I want to do something really cool with my iTouch and the iPad I know I will one day own. Heck....Id like to control my model plane using my iPad :D

I want to make money by doing something 'useful' in society. Make pans, provide advice(!!), build spaceships, whatever.

Im not sure I want to do a Phd any more....but I need to find a good substitute for a Phd. something I can spend a couple of years doing, thats ridiculous, unlikely, high risk, high return and high impact. before I go home, get married and start trying to not be boring and irrelevant.

Im irrelevant now too of course....but I dont feel it. Im in a place where people are moving, its 'the place to be' in theoretical physics. If a great discovery is made - in any of a staggeringly large number of fields - chances are it'll be by someone associated with PI or someone known to people associated with PI. and then the discoverer will soon be associated with PI :P

Perhaps the reason Im scared of going back home is that I feel I need to be in the 'right place' in order to feel useful and competent. Im scared once I let go of all this, the phd offers, the scholarships and the world in which these things matter, Ill be a nonentity, with no intrinsic value or interest. Maybe I rely too much on where I am in order to feel good about myself.

Maybe this would not be the case if I had some nice round meaty piece of original research in my kitty. Of any sort....something I had built, anything, anything that had come to fruition. other than scholarships I have got based on impressions I have made upon people. I keep telling myself...these are great people (and they are) both as human beings and as scientists, and if they think Im good enough....maybe I am.

Once I go home, whats to certify Im good enough for anything ? Its a family business....I would be much less concerned about taking up a random job. there, the fact that someone was paying me good money would tell me that I was worth something to them.

Nope.....I cant go back unless I resolve this. I need to go home after Ive convinced myself that my worth is something I carry around with me, not something that is bestowed upon me by the institute I am in, or the scholarship I get.
which brings me back to "doing something thats ridiculous, unlikely, high risk, high return and high impact." :D

Typical ~ 1

click on the image to read the article, its quite ridiculous.

Gabhricha Paus

Gabhricha Paus is a brilliant marathi movie starring the lovely and talented Sonali Kulkarni and the equally talented Girish Kulkarni, it deals with the issue of farmer suicides in Vidarbha in a remarkably soft manner devoid of bitterness. It does not skirt hard issues and the story is almost reminiscent of Dostoevsky in the way it crushes hope again and again. There are no happy endings, but the movie is not devoid of happiness.

Unlike Aakrosh which portrays the dark and desperate suffering of the advasis, Gabhricha Paus has well rounded characters (Im saying the Adivasi characters in Aakrosh are a little unidimentional, but the effect created is brilliant and legendary, so no complaints). It takes us into their lives, in their language (most urban marathi speakers will be glad for the subtitles quite often) and compells us to share in their fortunes and misfortunes. One cant help but be glad at Sonali's charming half smile when her husband likes her puranpoli (a special sweet dish) after being upset at the expense and we are anxious and worried when Girish (Kisna in the film) stares at the sky standing in his barren field while the song in the background implores mother earth to let the rain pour forth..

The movie does justice to the barren yet strangely beautiful landscapes of the area it is set and shot in and the soundtrack is true to the mood of the film. The songs resonate and are filled with meaning and the acting is quite exceptional. There are several nice touches I will not talk about so that you may have the pleasure of discovering them yourself.

All in all, very highly recommended. Some knowledge of Marathi will help of course, but the subtitles are not bad at all and if you can read English, this movie is a very rewarding watch.

Delightful.

अर्ध सत्य. (Half Truth)

This is the poem from Govind Nihalani's brilliant second film Ardh Satya (1983). The poem is by Dileep Chitre.

चक्रव्यूह मे घुसने से पहले,
कौन था मैं और कैसा था,
यह मुझे याद ही न रहेगा.
चक्रव्यूह मे घुसने के बाद,
मेरे और चक्रव्यूह के बीच,
सिर्फ एक जानलेवा निकटता थी,
इसका मुझे पता ही न चलेगा.
चक्रव्यूह से निकलने के बाद,
मैं मुक्त हो जाऊं भले ही,
फिर भी चक्रव्यूह की रचना मे
फर्क ही न पड़ेगा.
मरू या मारूं,
मारा जाऊं या जान से मार्डून,
इसका फैसला कभी न हो पायेगा.
सोया हुआ आदमी जब
नींद से उठकर चलना शुरू करता है,
तब सपनों का संसार उसे,
दोबारा दिख ही न पायेगा.
उस रौशनी मे जो निर्णय की रौशनी है
सब कुछ समान होगा क्या ?

एक पारडे मे नपुंसकता,
दुसरे पारडे मे पौरुष,
और ठीक तराजू के कांटे पर
अर्ध सत्य.

-दिलीप चित्रे

Apology to Leo Kadanoff

I have been fortunate enough to be taught by one of the great physicists of the last century (the century - I do not need to remind anyone - of Einstein, Schrodinger, Dirac, Feynman and others..) : Prof. Leo Kadanoff. Here is a man who laid the groundwork behind some of the most profound ideas (Renormalization Group) that are a crucial part of the underpinnings of the powerful field theories that are the epitome of human attempts to understand the universe.

He taught me - in fact he is teaching me this very moment - a course on Statistical Mechanics much of which is actually material created in part by him. Many crucial ideas in the field theory course Im doing concurrently originate from him and David Tong from Cambridge who is teaching that excellent course mentioned once how sleepish he felt talking about some of these ideas with Leo Kadanoff sitting at the back of the class listening attentively.

He always comes 40 minutes before his class starts and he likes to listen to whats happening in the field theory course, and he loves to then begin his lecture by giving stat mech analogues of the field theory concepts we had been looking at. He is one of the leading proponents of 'Universality' in physics - the idea that phenomena (like critical phenomena, phase transitions) look identical across branches of physics. He likes to say, and show, how we do the same physics over and over again, the same equations reappear in completely different contexts.

He is perhaps one of the most humble most polite people Ive met. And so it is with deep - almost bitter - regret that I admit that I have not learnt much from him at all. It is my fault entirely, I simply did not make the effort necessary to appreciate and assimilate the deep concepts he was good enough to put forth enthusiastically before us, everyday, even at the age of 82. Between field theory and my indolence and laziness, I just did not do what was needed.

I am ashamed. But - if for no other reason than respect for Prof. Kadanoff - I will study and become good at Statistical Mechanics and understand renormalization before Im done with this business of theoretical physics.

I have made many similar mistakes....sleeping in PSB sir's class while he poured his heart into imparting knowledge springs immediately to mind, and perhaps I will never understand DSP and Control Systems as well as I should, but this time, I wont let it pass.

Update : My Year Off with Theoretical Physics in Canada :)

Hello Folks !

Its been ages since I last sent out an update mail, but that does not mean things have not been happening ! There have been many many months of desperate - and sometimes dangerous - hard work, much agonizing thought about the future, a satisfying amount of cricket, some heart burn some success and a few twists in the tale. Not to mention some inspirational teachers - maybe thats a tautology, anyone who's inspirational is automatically a teacher - and so many delightful friends it was an absolute privilege and pleasure to spend time with.

The upshot of it all is that after spending one year in Belgium sweating out some of the toughest coursework in Photonics along with the Belgians (even Caesar appreciated them - "Of all the Gauls, The Belgians are the bravest !") and one year in Scotland fretting about a singularly intractable and tedious masters thesis while chilling at the whey pat tavern with cheesy nachos after village cricket games, I have ended up in Canada at the Perimeter Institute of Theoretical Physics doing (yet another) masters degree (in Theoretical Physics, obly).

Before you ask "Why ??"  and "What ????", This is my year off. Other people travel and take it easy, I got a chance to fulfill a childhood dream. I am studying general relativity at the moment and before Im done at the end of 10 months, Ill have gone through cosmology, string theory, quantum gravity and most of the rest of physics - all at someone else's expense. Its a brilliantly conceived and intense course and if you're interested, take a look at it here. 

Im enjoying myself and learning a lot. What I will do after this ? Who knows. But I want to travel a lot, and I intend to settle down back in Aurangabad pretty soon. How Im goign to do that without simply abandoning all my random and fairly esoteric pursuits, I do not know, but Ill figure something out :)

Sincerely,
Prasanna

Free to Dream

"Be very protective of your enthusiasm. Dont let anything affect that ! If you find yourself getting stressed out, if classes seem too much, take a break. This course is for you to figure out what you want to do with your life....but we have definitely packed it with too much stuff !" (or words to that effect)

- Dr. Neil Turok to the PSI students

There are idealists in the world who create wonderful things, wonderful places, wonderful situations and I am in one of them right now, among amazing people. To bring enthusiastic people together and give them everything they need and give them the freedom to dream, think and create new ideas for mankind....surely we need a lot more such places ! As David Deutsch so eloquently said in this talk, the survival of mankind depends on the ability of our species to create the knowledge that we require to solve the massive (existential) crises that we will face sooner or later.

Im really keen to see if I can actually do what Im supposed to do now that Im here : make a real and significant contribution to my species - Humankind and to my planet - Earth, so that we may hope to live and explore and carry to distant corners of spacetime the memories of Earth. We will certainly be extinct one day, but will we leave behind only a few primitive ruins on one planet of one obscure system ? Proof that we never grew up, that we remained small minded and spiteful and primitive ? Or will a million wrecks on a million distant and inhospitable worlds bear testimony to how far beyond its 'natural' mandate this unworthy chemical scum went, exploring the universe simply because it is there !

In The Songs of Distant Earth Clarke mentions a story of a frozen leopard carcass found near the top of Kilimanjaro. (the story happens to be The Snows of Kilimanjaro by Hemingway and almost certainly true) and wonders what the leopard was doing there....what was it seeking in those bleak icy slopes when the plains below - its natural home - abounded with game ?

The Earth is the cradle of the mind, but we cannot live forever in a cradle...

- Konstantin E. Tsiolkovsky

Image - New Scientist

Perimeter !

Im in Waterloo, ON, Canada now, and classes at the Perimeter Institute start tomorrow :)
All blogs specific to the Perimeter Institute and my activities here will go here. This blog will continue as it is of course....that one will be a little more tech/subject oriented.

2. The Son of the Soil

The hard, strenuous life is not for me

And Ive always shunned all labour and toil

That being as it may be

I still wish I was a son of the soil.

As a toddler he played in the puddles

On the track that led to my farm

As I swerved my car to avoid him

He smiled at me without alarm.

Ive seen him walking to school

The wind blowing rain in his face

He's barefoot with a well ironed shirt

Completely at ease in his place.

I pass him by in my car

Insulated from the wind and the rain

and the dirt and germs and the people and pain

and my country and its lovely refrain.

Ive seen him standing at the tea stall

With his cutting chai in his hand

With chappals that have never seen a mall

He's at ease, he belongs to the land.

I pick my way through the garbage

Looking away from the beggars I pity

He strides by with a spring in his step

A villager at ease in my city.

Ive never seen envy in his eyes

and I see him every now and again

He knows he knows and hears what I dont

Our country and its lovely refrain.

I have much and seen many lands

An interesting life without toil

And every moment Im back in my country

I wish I was a son of the soil.

-Yours Truly.

1. The Master of Science

Much has happened since I last posted anything here. I finished my thesis, I left St. Andrews, I went to Belgium, I had a great time, I left Belgium and I came to India. Along the way I picked up my degree and became a certified 'Master of Science' while drifting as far away from being able to weave the various threads of my life into one harmonoius 'shimmering tapestry' as I have ever been. I - for once - feel reasonably competent at what I do while I have become more aware than ever of the utterly incomprehensible vastness of the abyss that remains beyond all knowledge.

Someone once told me that science is an ever expanding frontier of ignorance. At the Perimeter Institute this coming year I will be transported from one edge of that frontier of ignorance to another, from technology and engineering research to theories and speculations of the most fundamental nature - powerful, far removed and abstruse. In all this esoteric knowledge seeking and continent hopping I have conveniently ignored what I consider my fundamental duties - to have an income, a family and generally make my parent's lives more pleasant in ways more immediate and real than the abstract achievements of research and academia.

I would have loved to write about the absolutely brilliant time I had at the EMMP Summer School in Gent, the fantastic people I met, old friends, old haunts in a city I have come to love and the goodbyes, the firm handshakes and the promises to meet again. A beautiful place, good people and healthy emotion resting comfortably on a bedrock of learning and competence - i.e. all the things that make life worth living were present in generous quantities at that summer school but I can no longer write about any of it. I have spent barely 3 days in India and it has overwhelmed me. The delicate and pleasing emotions that are so natural in the genteel environs of Gent have been swept away by a violent and painfully enjoyable barrage of crowds, memories, relations, conventions, smells, foods, stories and lives.

One must follow one's dreams - that I cannot bring myself to doubt but where does the pursuit of knowledge fit in this mad milieu of noise, money, passion, tragedy and history ? Is this not the first fight I must fight ? To create a bubble of happiness and maintain it till my children take over the job ? Has my father not done this all his adult life, and done it brilliantly without a word, is this not where I still return for guidance and solace and comfort ? I give advice while doing precious little to lend a hand, should I not be helping to strenghten our lovely bubble, expanding it and decorating it, so that my family can rest secure, and my dad can walk without the weight of responsibility on his shoulders for the first time in 30 years ? Is this not my first duty ?

It is. And I have no clue how what I am doing is going to help me discharge it. Im running on faith and hope. India is a wonderful place - painfully, violently, enjoyable. Much more naked and up front than the west ever is. There is more passion and drama on any road in Mumbai than all the couples in all the squares of Paris. India is like a raging river, invitingly mad, cruel and sad, fey and boisterous, shiny and old, silly and wise, it is everything to everyone and I want to jump in and experience it again but I cant. Im in the river but I dont get wet, the water flows over and around me without touching me. I dont look, sound or feel like I can handle the torrents that flow through the veins of India and so I am spared and excluded.

Mumbai speaks to me no longer, it seems I can but watch from afar - I no longer see myself in the people on the roads, I see strangers and I wish I was them, with them, sharing their city, listening to their stories which form the story of the city and the country, my country. Master of Science with 'Great Distinction' is nothing. In my homeland, at home, I have not done my bit, my character hardly has a role while everyone waits for the main protagonist to step up and play his part.

Here, I am no one, I barely exist.

And thats all that matters.

Saving the World

original here

Gentsefeesten.....Revelry before a lonely summer in '08

By Request, A real conversation and (Indian) Geeks

What follows is a real conversation the likes of which I have had many times, with various friends, in various flavours, and it never ceases to delight me :)

All you socially successful, girlfriend toting, well dressed, well adjusted soon to be rich non and ex techies out there ! You might think you have it all, but you cant match our innocent Wodehousian humor and good natured angst :)

anyway, here goes ! :)


me: why cliff ? taken up rock climbing ?
Comet: no..i want to jump off one
me: why ?
Comet: i screwed up the one chance i got after
(i cant even remember how long)
me: chance at what ?
Comet: a girl (with a tattoo on her arm) walks up to me
and chats me up...
me: WHAT :)
wow
how ?
where ?
Comet: and all i ask her in the end is "are u on facebook"
and she says 'no'
which i take as 'I'm not interested'
and buzz off
but it turns out, she really isn't on facebook
can u believe that
me: ohho
so big deal
talk to her again na
Comet: i need to get out into the real world beyond the Internet
me: :)
yes
but who is she ?
where did you meet her ?
Comet: we had a family/friends get-together and
she was the cousin of a friend..

me: vah :)
so you can easily meet her again na
Comet: i suck man...now i cant even focus on work...
i have no contact of her, unless i ask her cousin..
who will understand I'm hitting on her
me: oh gawd
we are all from the big bang theory man.
we're all from inside the sitcom.
easily we will fit in.
Comet: haha..yeah...
me: what deep and profound problems we have !
what lives and what conversations :)
Comet: i hope i get over her quickly
me: oh god...Im laughing and everyone
in office is looking at me :)
Comet: :D
me too but nobody's looking..most have gone home
to the real world
me: we have to get over girls simply
because they spoke to us :)

Comet: what else are they supposed to do to express interest?
me: Ive got to meet all of you again quickly da..
before you get gfs and wives and settle down
and the magic is gone....
no no....you got me wrong.
we're not supposed to be so desperate
that we have to "get over" a simple
expression of interest :)
Comet: haha..yeah, but my CV on these matters does not
afford me that luxury
I'm desperate by design of nature
me: :D what does that even mean !
Comet: how the f**k can i hold a conversation with
a arts graduate (she was one)
i think I'll sign off gtalk, and bury myself
in work now.
work is worship .. work is worship
bye..
me: oh god :)
and I know what you mean.
I cant talk to them myself..mostly,
they talk rubbish :P


"..Yes I am a Nerd, and when the ancestors of the right honourable gentleman were hoodwinking people with preposterous pomposities in the temples of tomfoolery, mine were erecting the pillars of rationality and empiricism upon which our civilization stands....."
-Something I might have said in the Union Debating Society of St Andrews, but dint.

And please, my friends, No Names in the Comments please !

"..and oh, The difference to me !"

There is a blogger in my mind. She has been a part of many of my dreams and in each one I come to know her a little better - through her blog, a common friend, a news flash or an internet message board. Ive never interacted with her personally but I seem to have grown quite fond of her. In my last dream however, she died. And turned what was otherwise a slightly strange but intriguing and pleasant dream into a nightmare that woke me up - not with fear (which is common) but with mind numbing sadness (which is not). This is about her. In trying to capture her in words I will try and put down only what I seem to remember and not embellish or do violence to the delicate impression of her I hold in my mind. But putting her in words is necessary, lest I forget.

I seem to think - but Im not sure - that she was from Chennai. English speaking and sophisticated without being less South Indian because of it. I always imagined her in embroidered long kurtas and jeans, unremarkable but pleasant. She must have been 26-27 perhaps, single and living apart from her parents and family. At least, the impression I got was of a comfortable urban loneliness born out of an interesting but independent life. Im not sure what her occupation was, or even what her interests were. I did know however, that she was HIV positive. And her story seemed to start there.

It appeared that she was involved with activism of some kind a few years ago, and that led to some sort of enmity with the local police. Or was it some form moral policing that got her into trouble with the authorities ? It seems possible but Im not sure. But something dark and traumatic happened and in her blogs it always seems to have remained nebulous. In other sources many different stories were talked about, but my mind never seems to have settled on one. Seeing the darkness of her past that seemed to hang over her always, I was more melancholy than curious. The upshot of it was that she ended up HIV positive and the police were somehow, unprovably, murkily - perhaps indirectly - to blame for it.

Her blogs were about her day to day life which was quite pleasant and independent it seems. I associate no bitterness and anger with her, so she must have spoken about her battle with HIV and other daemons without any angst. Nor is it pity that comes to mind when I think of her so she must have come across as an independent self sufficient person. I respect her immensely for these things. There is little else, save that I felt very tender towards her and wanted her to be happy.

In my last dream, I was walking around with a motley cast from various phases of my life in a dark and cold hill station, looking for something but Im not sure what. I was offered roasted corn at a lonely stall by an acquaintance from college (who was in rough outdoor clothes, he had apparently joined some kind of communist insurgency) who said the tattered 5 rupee note he held came from a stash that a recently departed acquaintance of ours had been giving to him for years, to "finance the next revolution". But he did not really care, "Lets have butta" he said. I politely refused. Later, we were having ice cream which I did not like at a open air restaurant which was full but still eerily quiet while a pretty girl I had known years ago at school was flirting across me with some half drunk friend of a friend who had just joined us. Thats when I received a call from a person who I did not really know. He was some gay student I had never met, and he was crying on the phone. He told me that she had died.

I hung up the call, sank to my knees feeling intense sadness, numb, heavy and dark.
And then I woke up.
Disturbed and lonely at 4.54 in the morning.

All very strange and vivid . . .

Who is she ? Is she inspired by some real person ? Why is she in my mind ? but most of all, Why did she die ?

She Dwelt Among the Untrodden Ways

- William Wordsworth

She dwelt among the untrodden ways
Beside the springs of Dove,
A Maid whom there were none to praise
And very few to love:

A violet by a mossy stone
Half hidden from the eye!
--Fair as a star, when only one
Is shining in the sky.

She lived unknown, and few could know
When Lucy ceased to be;
But she is in her grave, and, oh,
The difference to me!

Our Place in the Cosmos by David Deutsch

A TED talk by David Deutsch - brilliant and inspiring. It sort of reinforces and enlarges the point I tried to make in the post below. The guy is obviously a genius.

http://theclarkeorbit.blogspot.com/